Rock on, bitches!

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Hey, people! This is what it'll look like when I write on here. Rock on, motherfuckers! YEAH! Hookers and blow! And shit. Cool and the gang.

Have a good day now, hear!

- Mr. Ginger Finger

Opening up for all

This is a post from DHI Finance - leaders in economy, finance and money.

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What a crazy, turbulent time this has been. Not only have our company managed to seal the deal to buy this web space for about the same amount as the Europeans paid the Native Americans for their land and women, we have now decided to open it up for the other companies inside DHI industries. Through this here quaint Internet hole, all of our daughter companies and partners will be able to communicate to their customers. Isn't this great? This is hereby the one stop shop for DHI Records, DHI Publishing, DHI Kids and DHI Games. In our diverse family, we're all equally happy (as long as the Mexicans are mowing our lawns and those Finns keep their knives tucked away. Here's looking at you, Jarmo from accounting. You stab happy little bastard!).

We all hope this will be satisfactory to all of our clients, customers and end-users. Otherwise, there are literally thousands of creative ways to end your life, you filthy communist asshole.

Thank you for your time,

Eric Geldistgut

CEO, DHI Finance

An open letter response to Jochem

Original letter from Jochem:

Dear mr. Geldistgut,
being one of your clients, I am frankly starting to lose faith in DHI Finance. I feel my money would be better at home invested in a goatballsoup factory than in DHI Finance after the recent emails that have been leaked. The climate of repression in your company is simply appalling. You should be ashamed of your treatment of Mr. Montmorency. In my days, when a man killed a couple of whores, he proudly took their corpses to his office and displayed them for everyone to see, but in these prudish times the moral guardians force one to hide these jolly activities more and more. I am appalled that you would encourage this pure censorship within DHI Finance itself.
Appalled,
a disgruntled customer

Mr. Geldistguts response:

Dear disgruntled customer,

Here at DHI Finance, we strongly believe happy customers and great finance to be of utmost importance to our business. On a daily basis, we strive to achieve a one hundred percent satisfaction rate. Other people in the industry claim that only a fool could believe such a thing possible. "Every single one of your clients happy?" they say. "That's like building a machine that supplies itself with unlimited power, or give a woman an orgasm. It's simply not possible."

We laugh in the face of skeptics such as these. Preferably after eating something expensive with a lot of garlic. Over the years, we have never experienced a client not satisfied with our services of handling finance and economy (and money). In light of this fact, your letter is most disturbing. It gives me a sense of uncanny delusion and otherworldly dread, much like ethnic diversity and women driving cars. There must be something we can do to compensate you.

I asked my advisors for the best way to handle a problematic turn of events such as this, and after a number of death threats and more than a few Indian burns, they gladly advised me to book you a 2-week stay in the penthouse of one of our finest DHI Thailand resorts. There's sun, bathing and refreshments. You'll also be able to sexually interact with minors, buy cheap knock-off brand clothing and drink cheap knock-off brandy. All while listening to the latest Top of The Pops chart songs and feel like a king in foreign lands (Thai people are fucking stupid and gladly give you everything they have if they get the chance. Something to do with religion, I think).

We at DHI Finance nurture the hope that this will more than compensate for the emotional trauma you must have experienced during these last few days. I would also like to inform you that over the next week, the sales department break room will be converted into our new, fully equipped DHI Prostitute Rapery™, where Mr. Sebastian Montmorency will be able to get the privacy he needs in order to fully experience the joys of taking advantage of the less intellectual and intelligent.

Yours truly,

Eric Rich van Geldistgut I

CEO, DHI Finance

Technical difficulties?

It seems that some e-mail correspondence has been leaked onto this public space. I would remove these rather embarrassing and possibly incriminating messages, but I'm frankly too rich to care. I don't even know how to edit posts on here.

So, I might as well go through this channel and personally address Montmorency.

Monty, you lady killer, you.

Some people have been giving me hell because of the smell in the cafeteria. The now pig-shaped bags reek of cheap perfume and semen. This is giving the food a rather prostitute-esque taste and I'm worried that someone might catch wind of your little hobby. Could you try smearing animal intestines all over the bags (or maybe use one of those stench killer sprays that I used to get the cat urine smell out of the love pillows on A-6).

Also, I think we need new people down in the boiler room. The greasers down there have started to develop a religion based around the boiler and I've heard chanting on two occasions. We want our employees to be loyal to the company, but this is ridiculous.

Also, get me some of that nice scotch that I like. That red stuff with the label saying "Cherry"-something. Could be lingonberry vodka. Fuck, I'm wasted.

E-mail correspondence through ALL EMPLOYEES MAILING LIST

This e-mail correspondence has been forwarded to this website through the ALL EMPLOYEES MAILING LIST.

FROM: seb.montmorency@deadhorseinterchange.com

TO: all.employeelist@deadhorseinterchange.com

SUBJ: fwd:re:re:re:re:re:re:Help me or I'll cut your nuts off

Eric, I've checked all of the office storage rooms. I can't find any black bin liners.

What the fuck? What are the employees using them on?

Seb

FROM: eric.geldistgut@deadhorseinterchange.com

TO: all.employeelist@deadhorseinterchange.com

SUBJ: fwd:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:Help me or I'll cut your nuts off

I don't think that the employees used them.

You simply have killed so many prostitutes, we haven't had time to get a new stock of black bags. Would you mind kindly if you stopped making more bodies than we can mince in the cafeteria? I think the employees are starting to notice the change of taste, and Tim in accounting started growing a rash around his mouth.

The employees are starting to worry about the frequent visits you make to the kitchen dragging prostitute shaped bags. Thankfully, it seems that the employees think that you're dragging swine into the building.

E. Geldisgut

FROM: seb.montmorency@deadhorseinterchange.com

TO: all.employeelist@deadhorseinterchange.com

SUBJ: fwd:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:re:Help me or I'll cut your nuts off

Oh fuck! These emails are on the public mailing list!! What the fuck did you do, you fat turd?!

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Kill all the employees. let's start over. I'm going to lay low until the heat dies down.

E-mail correspondence through ALL EMPLOYEES MAILING LIST

This e-mail correspondence has been forwarded to this website through the ALL EMPLOYEES MAILING LIST.

FROM: lloyd@deadhorseinterchange.com

TO: all.employeelist@deadhorseinterchange.com

SUBJ: fwd:merry new fucking year assholes!!!!!

hey everyone

i fucking love all of you assholes. ive worked here for a long time and i love how you all are awesome and make lots of money..

i wanted to let you all kno that i just spent €22,000 to hire 13 prostitutes to do that stupid caramelldansen for me for two hours. after the dance i made them eat pastry that i had put a lot of salt on. they looked silly hahaha lol

happy new year!!!! this scotch is top fucking notch, people.. thanks for the company christmas basket. i already used up all the ribbed condoms for x-mas tree decorations. yeah.

thanks and awesome,

lloyd, janitor sector A6

FROM: eric.geldistgut@deadhorseinterchange.com

TO: all.employeelist@deadhorseinterchange.com

SUBJ: re:fwd:merry new fucking year assholes!!!!!

Hey,

I can see you're enjoying yourself, Mr. Lloyd.

I'm not going to spoil anything concerning promotions to come in 2011, but I'm pretty sure you can look forward to your own office and a whole lot of finance to look after. Finance that you're free to handle as you please. We need more people like you, Lloyd. Thanks for being with us.

E. Geldistgut

Expenditures

Due to problems with our Gallop Internal Email System caused by Tim in accounting spilling coffee on the email server, (erasing what appeared to be a lot of pornography exchanged between Ebeeto and Schlasser) we'll be publicly posting a new checking report regarding the alarming condition of our expenditures, so everyone will be in the know about recent developments.

As you can see, there is a 2 litre increase in the consumption of coffee, and a 4 tonne decrease in the use of paper.

I expect our employees to rectify this before these figures show our competitors that the DHI Finance family is not a happy family. And in our family, there is no mercy.

Employees attending the skii trip in February must provide their own equipment. Due to health and safety, they'll have to be purchased when you reach the resort. I'm currently in talks over the possibility that you'll have to buy new clothes as well upon arrival, due to recent terrorist concerns.

Warmest wishes,

Seb D. Montmorency